mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
