TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
