Pants 0. Shit 1.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
