she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
