I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
