my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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