I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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