Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
