i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
