When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
