you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
