Just cropdusted the office
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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