Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
