You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
