I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
