I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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