he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize