if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
