just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
