I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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