Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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