How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
