So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm bleeding and have questions
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
