its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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