How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
