**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Every concussion has its silver lining
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
