its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
