Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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