don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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