you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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