I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
