I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
