What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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