Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
