you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
