when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
