I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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