1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
