theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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