billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I want her autograph on my taint
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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