i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize