I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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