Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
