i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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