Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
