whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
