And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
