It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
