My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
