I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need water and some morals
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
