I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
