Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
