I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
