If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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