Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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