Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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