Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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