a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
