you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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